The world according to Deuce...


He can totally crawl. He just doesn't know it.

Put him down on the floor amidst a procession of Interesting Objects, and he will move happily from one to the next like a bird following a breadcrumb trail until he has traversed the entire length of a room. A true crawl, too, straight to hands-and-knees with none of that elbow-thing most babies do after creeping.

But put him in a situation where he needs to crawl without distraction, and suddenly he is as helpless as a paraplegic.

Sunrise: (sets Deuce down and sits about four feet away) "Come on, sweetie. Come see mama."

Deuce: "AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!HOW DARE YOU PUT ME DOWN! WHAT KIND OF UNFEELING SELFISH MOTHER ARE YOU?"

Sunrise: (inches a little closer) "Look, honey, I'm right here. Come crawl to me."

Deuce: "A CAVERNOUS DISTANCE SEPARATES US. I CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO TRAVERSE THE GRAND CANYON IN PURSUIT OF YOU."

Sunrise: (by way of encouragement, holds out arms so that hands are centimeters from his face) "Take mama's hands. I'll pull you over."

Deuce: "HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT THIS PATHETIC FACE AND REMAIN SO UNMOVED, YOU HEARTLESS WOMAN?"

Sunrise: "Come on, honey, you can do it."

Deuce: "WHY WILL NO ONE PICK UP THE BABY? DOES NO ONE CARE? HAS NO ONE ANY COMPASSION? CAN'T ANYONE SEE HOW IMMOBILIZED I AM?"

Sunrise: (assists Deuce from sitting to crawling position) "Here, baby boy, like this. Come on, come to mama."

Deuce: (belly flops on floor) "DID ANYBODY SEE THAT? SHE KNOCKED ME OVER! IF I COULD GET TO A PHONE, I'D CALL CHILD SERVICES! WHAT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO DO TO BE PROPERLY CARED FOR?"

Sunrise: (sighs, picks him up and sits him on lap).

Deuce: "..AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE--oh. Hi, mom! Man, I'm so happy, I'm gonna eat your nose!"